Making Sexy Happen

Hello. This week I have been helping to make sexy happen.

But why make a fuss about it, you might ask? Those of you who know me will of course assume that I make sexy happen all the time, that sexy happenings are a daily distraction in the fantastic world of The Fog. But real sexiness is something that has to be worked at, fought for, dare I even say sweated over. And right now that’s where I’m at, rolling back my sleeves and fighting for sexy. Remember the ‘Mucky Mixxxtape‘ I posted last month?

There were a lot of 'fake' French Tickler Novelties in circulation at the time.

Don’t play the innocent with me, you remember! Well, it’s since gone on to become one of the most successful and popular endeavours I’ve ever laid my hand upon, receiving more hits than all of my other Mixcloud sets put together. To jog your memory a little further, here’s yet more breathless hyperbole from the back cover of the modestly-titled ‘Fornicating Female Freaks’:

Real MEN and WOMEN actually SPEAKING to EACH OTHER. Now THAT is SEXY!

How do I account for this extraordinary spurt? Well, normally I would head straight for the lowest common denominator and confidently assume that all of my friends, associates and visitors to this site are a bunch of desperately seedy perverts, casting all my painstakingly crafted sound designs and video projects aside in favour of something a bit more trouser-rousing. But then I discovered that, completely without my knowledge, it had appeared on this most intriguing website, specialising in erotica for the visually impaired:

visit sonicerotica.com

And jolly fine it is too. Now I don’t claim to be an expert (in spite of all this recent activity), but I’ll wager that one advantage the Sonic Erotica site has over the 1970s ‘unusual stag action recordings’ brigade is that all the material here is made by actual people. For all Audio Stag’s talk of using ‘real MEN and WOMEN’, they’re still reading from a script when all is said and done (and it is a script, written by the wonderfully-named ‘Peter RAMAGE’). Pausing once again to remind you of my lack of expertise in the field, I would however like to speculate that surely its’s infinitely more stimulating listening to a bunch of genuine people having actual, genuine fun than mere actors pretending? And if that is true, why did they bother using actors at all? How hard could it be to find two people willing to get it on in front of a microphone? I once had a flatmate who never worried in the slightest about who might be listening…

So, why not visit http://sonicerotica.com next time your parents are out of the room? But no time for that kind of thing right now, we must brushing ourselves hastily off and move on to my next abundantly sexy piece of news – I’ve made a new video:

A tenuous link? Hardly! What could be a loftier pinnacle of sexy than a blonde woman waving foreign currency under your nose? Furthermore, parts of the soundtrack (the noisy ones) were made using a tape loop created by two very sexy people (myself and Mr. Chris Weaver of Resonance FM), and of course there is NOTHING sexier than a tape machine! Like all very sexy things, they’re rather fiddly to mess around with at first, but immensely satisfying once you’ve got them unspooling. That’s about as close as I seem to be able to get to a double-entendre on a Tuesday. Here’s a photo to add depth and colour:

Insert witty line about 'doing it at fifteen inches per second' here...

So as you can see, it’s sexy happenings aplenty here at Fog Towers. And they’ll be much more to follow. But I think you’ve had enough for the moment. Right now the only crumpet I’m hankering for comes from Sainsburys and has to be removed from the toaster with a kitchen-devil. See you all again soon, my hard-to-please stag collecting friends…

RAMAGE!